Let me start by saying that being a stand up comedian is insanely difficult…I’m not saying brain surgery difficult, but difficult in a different way. It requires a person to be incredibly vulnerable. Writing our own thoughts and serving them up to a crowd of strangers and hoping that they like us and hoping even more that they laugh.
I first met stand up when I was in my early 20’s. It saved me. I wasn’t fitting into the mold of post-college life as I should. I was starting my corporate career and made so little that I couldn’t afford to live, let alone travel or go out much. I was endlessly single with no boyfriend prospects in sight. But I had this unique thing…I was a ‘stand up’ comedian…or at least at the time, I thought I was and I was able to tell people that was what I did in my spare time. It didn’t cost a lot of money, and it didn’t require any physical requirements. In fact, at that time, it was a place for misfits to find each other. I quickly found that I had a natural talent for it.
I now know and can see that a new comedian pretty much has to be delusional for the first three years. New comedians aren’t truly funny – it takes a long time to really be funny. Luckily for me, most crowds didn’t know that I wasn’t funny yet. I was silly, I was clean, I had high energy, and I was likable, and sure, I had some good lines here and there, and they liked me.
Stand Up Comedy gave me something to talk about to people. It was what made me special in a time when all of my income was going to bridesmaid dresses and celebrating other people. This was mine. This got people excited. This got my blood pumping. This gave me a new group of people to find that I had something so special and uniquely in common with…people that I would not have found otherwise. It excited me so much. I met people who were on TV. They were my peers and coworkers. I met people who didn’t follow the life norm. I would drive all night – nothing stopped me, not blizzards or illness, not even the death of my Grandpa. Hell, I even regularly drove 4 plus hours to get 45 miles in Southern California traffic for a $50 headlining spot. You asked, I was there. I worked in pie shops, in back yards, in dingy bars, in family restaurants, in casinos, in fancy ballrooms, in Cabo San Lucas, in world famous comedy clubs and finally in 2020… on ZOOM calls.
Back when I started (and for centuries before) entertainment was not a viable career choice in my part of the country. You found something that would pay the bills and you did fun things in your spare time…those were called hobbies. Never ever would I have been able to follow the path that I see so many are brave enough to take. To be in my early 20’s and to bet on myself in that way. For the next 10 years, I continued working my corporate job, and continued to get promoted within it. My career allowed me to travel all over the country and with the energy and bravado of a 20 something – I would call comedy clubs in whatever city and see if they had an open mic, and when I got better, I would see if they would let me do a guest set. More often than not, they would.
During an entire decade, there was nothing else I would rather do than perform stand up, and if I wasn’t performing, then I would find a place to watch other people perform. There was no social engagement that would ever get in the way. I will forever be grateful to Stand Up Comedy for teaching me what it is to have a passion. I know many go through life without ever feeling truly passionate about something. I will always be grateful that Stand up Comedy gave me the courage and confidence to leave Pennsylvania and move to California.
So here I am, 42 years old. Happier in my life than I could ever imagine. I live securely in a beautiful home in Southern California, with a dog, two cats and a husband whom I absolutely adore. This happiness has filled up a lot of the space that used to be vacant.
If you haven’t lived it, then you really cannot fathom what trying to make a career in Los Angeles is like. When I first started doing stand up (and the whole way through) people would say, “Oh, you do stand up? When are you going to be on the Tonight Show?” As if it was that easy. There are at least 10,000 hours and immeasurable steps between thinking you are a comedian and getting to perform for a late night audience. Throughout my comedy career, I have met SO MANY TALENTED COMEDIANS, and only a small fraction of them will make it. I see people work and work and work with such drive and focus for 7-10 years before they get their break, and that break doesn’t necessarily mean that anything else will happen for another 5 years….if at all. I have seen young, gorgeous, brilliant women give breakout performances (what more could Hollywood want?), and then I don’t hear another thing about them. These are people that are 100% focused on their careers…and it takes more than 100% to actually make it. It takes an intense drive and belief in oneself. It requires a person to work and work and work for little or no money, or often they have to PAY money to work.
I just don’t have it in me anymore. I don’t have that passion or drive. To be successful today, you have to promote yourself and promote yourself and then promote yourself some more. You have to post videos of yourself on stage (pre-pandemic of course)…all of the time. That means, you have to tape yourself and watch yourself…all of the time. That can be qualified as torture for a person with shame about their body. But, I DID IT. Well, not the posting, or the watching…but I got on that stage with those bright lights shining on every inch of my body, and invited people not to just look, but to take me all in. The moment my foot hit the stage, I shed all of my insecurities and nerves and just had to perform.
During my time as a stand up comedian, I have achieved success. I am welcomed and booked in some of the best comedy clubs in the country. I have worked with comedians that are very successful and for ones that I respect so much. I was one of the handful that actually gets paid for what they do, and I was offered a ton of stage time.
For years, that was enough. I really did try when I came to LA, and I had some triumphs, but not enough to make a living, not enough to ‘make it’. When I looked at the future for me pursuing a life in stand up comedy, I no longer liked what I saw. The passion had waned and my desires changed.
When 2020 forced the whole world to stop, I found a huge sense of relief. 2020 showed me what I have known for years, it is time for me to make a break. Leaving stand up is like walking away from a love affair that has run its course. I’ve known it wasn’t working – that we didn’t have the same spark together anymore. We used to be passionate together, Stand Up Comedy and I. Wild nights, lazy mornings, crazy road trips, thunderous applause, explosive silence, followed by wild joke writing. Ahhh what a wonderful decade of my life that I will always be so proud of and will cherish endlessly. But alas, it is time for both of us to move on to the next big thing…